WOW what is my problem

Ok so I have not posted often and believe thankfully that my wife is the only avid reader but I have come to a conclusion... I live in fear. Fear of what others will think. Fear that I might say something wrong or perhaps it won't even be wrong but then it becomes the fear that someone will take it wrong. Fear that I missed the point or didn't get it. How silly to live like that! I spend so much time worrying about what others are going to think about me or what others will perceive of me that I don't have time to figure out what I should be putting all that energy into. Well, anyways, I have decided that I am going to purpose to STOP! Stop living in fear of everyone else and everything else. Let me stop for a second and clarify, I am not a phobic kinda person that is not the kind of fear I am talking about I am your average poser who looks and acts well adjusted.

So, with all that said (or perhaps not said) let me express my recently evolving revolution. I grew up in a Bible believing home, a evangelical home. Our beliefs were based on the Bible and not anything else. I started teaching classes in church in high school and was a staff member before my 20th birthday. I had the journey started and successfully rolling along early. I was the stuff (at least in church). Through a lot of not so clear circumstances I became complacent and a very involved physical member of a local church but that was were it stopped. After years of becoming the hypocrite that I had so avidly taught against early in my (short lived) teaching carrier. That conclusion was not easily reached and when I finally faced it I gave up. I found myself in a place of agnosticism feeling that the Bible was bull and so was the whole gospel message. No one was living in victory and I was living the "Christian life" more fully then everyone else that had it figured out. One problem though.... The love of my youth had not gone down the same path and still bought this church and Bible mess as did my children. We bounced around looking for authentic men that I could become open with and discovered that it was all but impossible to find. Which led further to the conclusion that this was not the answer or even a reality. But.... I had to keep trying because I was not ready to let go of my family (which was not a literal cost but would cause a separation that I felt was unacceptable).

So, I finally came across someone that appeared to really be living what he believed and it was at work not at church! We hashed out concepts in scripture which lead to the opportunity to tell him where I was which lead to studying the Bible which lead to the whole point of this long rant.

I started to look at scripture and read what it said and believe that it meant what it said. When Luke 14 says if you want to come to Christ then you have to weigh it like a king going into battle it means that this is a major thought out decision. I had read that I would even have said that I agreed but I didn't really believe that it was such a major life altering weighed out decision. It was a decision that was made after an inspirational church service where I repeated a prayer after the pastor.

I read Matt 21:22 and saw what I had always seen "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." Sure I believed it, after all I had grown up in the church and based my beliefs on the Bible but had I really? Had anyone really? I can't make that judgment but I can tell you I had not. I am just now realizing that God's Word is really what it says and trying to make that real in my life. Prayer really has power! Not just a game of swapping prayer requests that I might mention in passing because I don't believe it but because it is real, He is real! WOW! This is so basic but I have been in church since I can remember (even before that but I don't remember) and I am just starting to realize these basic concepts because they are told or shared but not practiced. The gospel that I saw lived out was not one of victory or loving others or relying on Jesus. That is what we talked about but almost more like a club that upheld a high standard of morals and apparent integrity.

Wow. I can't believe that I am putting this out there!

The idea of being in your business... I mean knowing others in the body of Christ intimately and asking real prodding questions that encourage growth. Huh? I mean I was in an accountability group for 2 + years in the midst of feeling empty and lost and was never challenged (which is partly my fault for not sharing) never asked any leading questions just superficial questions about integrity and purity. The problem is that those are easy when you have grown up playing church. I learned how to live the Christian life but had I really? I mean I had learned to live the Christian life that I had learned... But that is not the same life that the Bible calls me to. The Bible says, Mat 5:10 "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." In Matthew chapter 5 Jesus gives this great list we call the beatitudes that are incredible and have words like "hunger and thirst for righteousness" and "peacemakers". None of those are things that were new or foreign but again re look at the the whole chapter and read it as if He meant it! WOW! This is such a different gospel. He talked about loving others above yourself not just your best friend but your enemies and those stinky poor people on the street and those that hate you.

I am getting tired and so I will stop but WOW! I hope and pray that I never fall into playing church. But you know that I do every day (maybe more often than that) because I am trained to play church, our churches are setup to assist me in playing church. We facilitate playing church. I challenge you to study out some topics you already have figured and read it as if it really means what it says. Read it without the commentary and WOW! It is inspiring and renewing and WOW. WOW!