What do you want to do for the rest of your life?

Why do we make life more complicated than it is? Why do things need to make sense? Why do we "need" to be in control?

I am learning to be excited about letting go, about not having a plan.

As children we live in the moment, everything is about right now and we are fully there. Delayed gratification doesn't exist. As time progresses we are taught/forced to look into the future to decide at a young age what we will do for the rest of our lives. How to think ahead and practice delayed gratification.

The problem is that the more I learn about God and the idea of being a Christ follower the more I find myself having to re-learn how to live in the moment how to be here and then here and then here.

Planning and delayed gratification aren't bad, I don't think :), but it seems that so much of the life of a disciple is about being where you are.

We can't know what "we want to do for the rest of our lives" at 15, 16, 18, or 40. It's not our place to know that. Our purpose is to submit to the idea that we don't know what God has for us but we will be there when we do know which is usually moments before.

The "Life"

So, what is life in Christ supposed to look like?  After growing up in a “Christian” home I had a clear picture of what I thought it was supposed to look like, moral, hard working, even tempered (at least most of the time), regular church attender and not just attending but giving of yourself and your money, holding a standard so that those around you knew you were a Christian and so on.  But the problem is it feels so right as long as we stay busy enough that we don’t notice that it doesn’t draw us closer to God and humility and dependance but instead builds pride and seeking recognition.  It feels so right but seems to me to accomplish very little described in the Word in regards to what a follower of Christ would.  We still spend the same time watching our shows, saving (or going into debt) for our stuff and running back and forth from our activities that are the same as those who don’t profess Christ.  It seems to me that the call for us to “die to self” and “take up our cross” and “live in the world but not of it” reflects a stark contrast not a close parallel of our non-christian neighbors.  If the main difference between us and them is where we are at 9:45 on Sunday morning then how is that the life of a Disciple?  I mean sure there are immoral people that we can over shadow but as far as the general populous or even the other religions what’s the difference other then a few words in our creed or doctrinal statement and what building we meet at?  If I am to live the life...  What does that really look like?  Is there a stencil for that?  I want step 1, 2, 3.  If my life looks so much like “theirs” then what’s the difference?  When was the last time we saw a miracle I mean a real one?  When was the last time we heard God guide us or direct us?  I don’t know about you but when I seek Gods guidance I usually want it but kinda go where I want to, give God credit and then hope I’m right.  That’s one of the issues I find with the “Grace” movement that they say we are a new creation the old past away and it’s not about what I do...  I agree but the problem as Bonhoeffer addresses in the Cost of Discipleship Grace is the sum of the equation not data for the equation.  The difference is huge.  Grace is a costly gift that costs us our lives not a freedom to live like everyone else with a confidence in Heaven.  I have not figured out what it really looks like to follow Christ but I know that what we claim as the answer isn’t it.

This whole election business

I think that there are a lot of different perspectives about this whole election business and I have to admit that I have continued to waiver back and forth on what to do.  I think that this blog post helps articulate a lot of the feelings that I have had in regards to this whole mess.  I would encourage you (if there is anyone reading this :) to take the time to read the aforementioned blog post in full.  I would welcome comments, as I in no way think I have all the answers but am leaning towards either not voting or casting my vote for Chuck Baldwin, which I recognize is likely, whom I kidding more than likely, a wasted vote.  The alternative, I'm afraid, is to vote contrary to the spirit within me...

St Augustine

 “In all these books those who fear God and are of a meek and pious disposition seek the will of God. And in pursuing this search the first rule to be observed is, as I said, to know these books, if not yet with the understanding, still to read them so as to commit them to memory, or at least so as not to remain wholly ignorant of them. Next, those matters that are plainly laid down in them, whether rules of life or rules of faith, are to be searched into more carefully and more diligently; and the more of these a man discovers, the more capacious does his understanding become. For among the things that are plainly laid down in Scripture are to be found all matters that concern faith and the manner of life — to wit, hope and love, of which I have spoken in the previous book. After this, when we have made ourselves to a certain extent familiar with the language of Scripture, we may proceed to open up and investigate the obscure passages, and in doing so draw examples from the plainer expressions to throw light upon the more obscure, and use the evidence of passages about which there is no doubt to remove all hesitation in regard to the doubtful passages. And in this matter memory counts for a great deal; but if the memory be defective, no rules can supply the want.”

(St Augustine, On Christian Doctrine, II.9.14)

Would You Think It Odd

Would you think it odd if I said,

"I am in love with every church

And mosque

And temple

And any kind of shrine

Because I know it is here That people say the different names

Of the One God."

Would you tell your friends

I was a bit strange if I admitted

I am indeed in love with every mind 

And heart and body.

O I am sincerely

Plumb crazy

About your every though and yearning

And limb

Because, my dear, 

I know 

That it is through these

That you search for Him.

By: Hafiz

I Have Learned So Much

I

Have

Learned

So much from God

That I can no longer

Call

Myself

A Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim,

A Buddhist, a Jew.

The Truth has shared so much of Itself

With me

That I can no longer call myself

A man, a woman, an angel,

Or even pure

Soul.

Love has

Befriended me so completely

It has turned to ash

And freed

Me

Of every concept and image

My mind has ever known.

By: Hafiz

Mismatched Newlyweds

Like 

A pair

Of mismatched newlyweds,

One of whom still feels very insecure,

I keep turning to God

Saying,

"Kiss

Me."

By: Hafiz

Speaking with other homosapians....what a pain....and a joy

Communication is such a tricky thing. If you are to direct then you come off as mean, arrogant or something of that nature and if you are to passive then you come across as unsure, insecure and perhaps even unreadable. I just want to find the balance. I want to be clear but kind and firm but gentle. I think in my attempts I end up not really getting across the message I had desired to. Then there is the balance of involvement to the topic or conversation. If you are passionately involved then you risk the potential of raising your voice or something of that nature. If you are just there then you risk appearing as if you don't care or are indifferent. If you then throw into the mix different communication and personality types you have a big mess that is just about impossible to maneuver. So, the resolve..... Do I just stop communicating....???? No you just deal with the mess and pray that your efforts will be half as clear to those around you as it it to yourself. I guess, just as so many other things in life, we continue to attempt to better our imperfect vessels and shape them more in a way that would allow us to be used as a tool for something. I believe I am currently likely be an old school tool that can get the job done but requires a little bit more work and a lot more frustration.

God's Plan

I am finding myself confused on God's plan... I just got back from a conference where one of the speakers stated that we just need to focus on honoring God today and that if I focus on that today and tomorrow and the next day then later on I will look back and see what God's plan for my life was. This concept is in contrast to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or "What has God called you to?". I find it very difficult to submit to that idea. To submit to the idea that I must just commit to God and keep following Him on a daily basis and not worry about my plan.

I am in a job environment that provides so many wonderful opportunities for my family and my schedule yet I find myself feeling dissatisfied and lost. I feel like I go to work to make money and that is not a good enough reason any more. I don't really want money. I want to be a part of a greater more important picture. Perhaps I am and if I would just focus on being a focused follower of Christ today and submitting to him today then I would discover that I am a part of His greater plan. God help me seek you today and find satisfaction in being yours!

WOW what is my problem

Ok so I have not posted often and believe thankfully that my wife is the only avid reader but I have come to a conclusion... I live in fear. Fear of what others will think. Fear that I might say something wrong or perhaps it won't even be wrong but then it becomes the fear that someone will take it wrong. Fear that I missed the point or didn't get it. How silly to live like that! I spend so much time worrying about what others are going to think about me or what others will perceive of me that I don't have time to figure out what I should be putting all that energy into. Well, anyways, I have decided that I am going to purpose to STOP! Stop living in fear of everyone else and everything else. Let me stop for a second and clarify, I am not a phobic kinda person that is not the kind of fear I am talking about I am your average poser who looks and acts well adjusted.

So, with all that said (or perhaps not said) let me express my recently evolving revolution. I grew up in a Bible believing home, a evangelical home. Our beliefs were based on the Bible and not anything else. I started teaching classes in church in high school and was a staff member before my 20th birthday. I had the journey started and successfully rolling along early. I was the stuff (at least in church). Through a lot of not so clear circumstances I became complacent and a very involved physical member of a local church but that was were it stopped. After years of becoming the hypocrite that I had so avidly taught against early in my (short lived) teaching carrier. That conclusion was not easily reached and when I finally faced it I gave up. I found myself in a place of agnosticism feeling that the Bible was bull and so was the whole gospel message. No one was living in victory and I was living the "Christian life" more fully then everyone else that had it figured out. One problem though.... The love of my youth had not gone down the same path and still bought this church and Bible mess as did my children. We bounced around looking for authentic men that I could become open with and discovered that it was all but impossible to find. Which led further to the conclusion that this was not the answer or even a reality. But.... I had to keep trying because I was not ready to let go of my family (which was not a literal cost but would cause a separation that I felt was unacceptable).

So, I finally came across someone that appeared to really be living what he believed and it was at work not at church! We hashed out concepts in scripture which lead to the opportunity to tell him where I was which lead to studying the Bible which lead to the whole point of this long rant.

I started to look at scripture and read what it said and believe that it meant what it said. When Luke 14 says if you want to come to Christ then you have to weigh it like a king going into battle it means that this is a major thought out decision. I had read that I would even have said that I agreed but I didn't really believe that it was such a major life altering weighed out decision. It was a decision that was made after an inspirational church service where I repeated a prayer after the pastor.

I read Matt 21:22 and saw what I had always seen "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." Sure I believed it, after all I had grown up in the church and based my beliefs on the Bible but had I really? Had anyone really? I can't make that judgment but I can tell you I had not. I am just now realizing that God's Word is really what it says and trying to make that real in my life. Prayer really has power! Not just a game of swapping prayer requests that I might mention in passing because I don't believe it but because it is real, He is real! WOW! This is so basic but I have been in church since I can remember (even before that but I don't remember) and I am just starting to realize these basic concepts because they are told or shared but not practiced. The gospel that I saw lived out was not one of victory or loving others or relying on Jesus. That is what we talked about but almost more like a club that upheld a high standard of morals and apparent integrity.

Wow. I can't believe that I am putting this out there!

The idea of being in your business... I mean knowing others in the body of Christ intimately and asking real prodding questions that encourage growth. Huh? I mean I was in an accountability group for 2 + years in the midst of feeling empty and lost and was never challenged (which is partly my fault for not sharing) never asked any leading questions just superficial questions about integrity and purity. The problem is that those are easy when you have grown up playing church. I learned how to live the Christian life but had I really? I mean I had learned to live the Christian life that I had learned... But that is not the same life that the Bible calls me to. The Bible says, Mat 5:10 "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." In Matthew chapter 5 Jesus gives this great list we call the beatitudes that are incredible and have words like "hunger and thirst for righteousness" and "peacemakers". None of those are things that were new or foreign but again re look at the the whole chapter and read it as if He meant it! WOW! This is such a different gospel. He talked about loving others above yourself not just your best friend but your enemies and those stinky poor people on the street and those that hate you.

I am getting tired and so I will stop but WOW! I hope and pray that I never fall into playing church. But you know that I do every day (maybe more often than that) because I am trained to play church, our churches are setup to assist me in playing church. We facilitate playing church. I challenge you to study out some topics you already have figured and read it as if it really means what it says. Read it without the commentary and WOW! It is inspiring and renewing and WOW. WOW!

Money

You would think that once you had learned a lesson you would be able to move on to the next lesson but that is not so. I discovered that if I did not layout my (our) desires and goals then I would allow my money to go all over the place without real purpose but if I took the time to sit down and think through what I (we) really hoped or dreamed to accomplish then I could direct income into areas that helped accomplish those things fairly rapidly. The problem is that I guess I am so used to not getting there that I didn't plan on what to do when we accomplished our goals... I mean I had thought about it and discussed it but then you get there and everything that you have been working towards (financially) is finished then it is almost as if you have hit the reset button and I am affraid that if not careful then the cycle starts again.

My right or not

Why do I feel the right to tell you what to do? Why do I feel the right to be offended when you don't pursue me for direction? Why do I feel hurt when you make that decision? Why do I desire to be close yet hold my arms out to keep my distance?

People are so interesting... We define contraditions on a daily basis. I have started to feel compasion for people that I used to judge (either in a good way or bad).

Making Disciples

I watch those same people walk and talk... So... empty so alone. Searching for the next neat item that will assist in filling the gap. I hurt for them. I hurt that it seems so complicated to tell them of a simple way. Is it me that complicates it? How do I embrace the idea that is shared in Gal 5:14 or in Mark 16:16? It seems that one leads to the other. If I have an understanding or a truth that is life altering (in a good way ultimately) then the loving your neighbor as yourself leads to the making disciples doesn't it? So, I guess that means that I am failing at both.... How come it reads so basic yet feels so complicated? I am so glad that the examples of many of the people used by God in a big way in the Bible were such losers. I can't wait to be used in a big way... Perhaps I am discounting the role that is set before me... I am a father and husband perhaps I should attempt to conquer those a little better before I go and conquer the world. :)

Finding Truth

Why do I spend more time reading insights of people who have studied the Bible rather then studying the Bible myself? Why are they capable of finding practical truth in the Bible but I have to find it through them? Why do I spend more time trading names of good authors and good book titles with friends rather then scripture references? If truth is... well the Bible then why go elsewhere so often for it?

Because it is easier. Because I know how to read a book but the Bible??? Because that is what is normal and what I have always done. Because everyone tells me of great books and yet few tell me of great insights in their study time in the Bible. Because I want to be spoon fed, it goes down easier. Because I think that others are more spiritual then I am. Because I want to obey the Bible and find many wise counselors Prov 15:22. Because I am insecure and want truth handed to me. Because I can't stay awake reading the Bible but some authors are really good at keeping my attention. Because books are so much more practical for today. Because I don't want to have to work at seeing what God is wanting to show me.

I think that perhaps I will try to spend a little more time reading the source and a little less time letting people tell what it says.

What is a Disciple/Christian.....

A Christian loves his neighbor as himself Gal 5:14
A Christian contends for the "Faith" Jude 1:3
A Christian endures suffering 1 Peter 4:12-16
A Christian follows Jesus first and foremost Matt 8:21
A Christian hates his mother, father, siblings, and even his own life Luke 14:25
A Christian give up everything Luke 14:33
A Christian loves Christ more then even his own children Matt 10:37
A Christian is bold in truth even when it is not convenient Acts 24:13
A Christian no longer lives for himself 2 Cor 5:14-21
A Christian moves to the end of the line, lets others go first and volunteers to move to the kiddy table Matt 20:24-28
A Christian disciples Matt 28:16-20
A Christian sacrifices his own body Rom 12:1
A Christian does not conform Rom 12:2
A Christian obeys the above things and many others (the Bible) John 14:23-24, 1 John 2:3-7




Wow! I think that I will stop for a while I am feeling challenged already and want to stop before it turns to defeat. Perhaps when I have some of these things more evident in my life I will pursue other areas that reflect Christ active in my life.

Sneaky Slippery Sinners

The concept of a sneaky person slipping into a church with the intention of diluting or polluting is a hard pill to swallow for me. I understand that there are evil people out there (perhaps that is a little weak) but the idea that someone would actually purpose to sneak into a body of believers and destroy them seems a little far fetched. But I realized that I am one of those Sneaky Slippery Sinners who sneak into the church and attempt to destroy it. I am the one that Jude is talking about in 1:4. He is talking about the people in the church (not an outsider) that allow themselves to loose track of the message of Christ and the purpose we hold and begin trading convenience and ease for what is true and right. May it never be! I pray that I will not allow myself to be one of those that is used to infiltrate the kingdom and dilute the message.

If I totally lost you read Jude (it is short).

Perspective

It is interesting to see how different the same thing can appear depending on perspective. I have been trying to see things fresh...to see things the way they really are rather then the way I think they are. It is hard because I think that my tendency is to see them from two skewed vantage points rather then one correct one. Recently I have started to see some things from, what appears to be, the correct angle and it has been so fresh and exciting (although that doesn't really express it correctly).... I am of course doing what I am best at which is rambling with no apparent direction.

Love your neighbor

So, this whole business of loving your neighbor as yourself. Why do we make it so hard? This morning in that interim state of being between awake and asleep I started thinking through what "loving your neighbor as yourself" looks like. It was so enlightening yet so basic. I remembered seeing a neighbor across the way spreading grass seed and putting up ropes to protect his seeds a couple days ago and that image raced (more like crawled because I was in that groggy place) into my mind and I thought if I was working in the yard and was feeling warn out what would I want others to do? I should have walked over and offered help rather then make a friendly comment across the street about hard work. The next image that entered my head was my neighbor to the side cutting his grass yesterday morning (yes Sunday morning and I was home). At the time my first thought was judgement, it's Sunday man what are you doing. The next thought was poor guy doesn't have Christ. But it never entered my mind to go over and say hey you want some help or where is the weed eater let me get the edges as you finish with the mower. This morning it seemed so basic so instinctual so clear yet it never does at the time. Why? Why do we make it so complicated?

I think I may make a bracelet "What would I want you to do for me?" the WWIWYTDFM bracelet. That way every time I look down at my easy to remember acronym "WWIWYTDFM" I will be reminded to love me neighbor as myself.

Galatians 5:14

Work...what's that?

Good morning big bright world. I am alive and well.


Why am I so jolly this crisp cold morning? Because I am not working. I stayed home and snuggled a little longer, sat and sipped my morning warmth a little slower and am relaxed enjoying my family a little fuller.

Why is it that we think that we have to do things the way they have been done (not always but since we have known about it). I mean who says that a work week should be 9-5 M-F or 7-3 or whatever. Why can't it be a means to the end? Why do we think that we have to love it? I mean if ultimately everything I do I should do unto the Lord and trials develop good things in us (Jam 1:2-3) then wouldn't it make more sense to work at something you hate so that you can face the trial of giving it your all even though you don't like it? Perhaps I am just twisted.

I wish that I had a clear map that allowed me to see exactly where and why and how I should be but I don't so I am bumping my shins and twisting my ankles and scraping my knees along the way. It seems like such a fight to not feel guilty that I am not working the normal American schedule. That I do not work in a field that epitomizes my desires and longings (my soul mate of jobs).

I am trying to figure out instead how to love what I do love and am called to love more fully rather then my job. I mean Gal 5:14 doesn't say love your job but love your neighbor. So, if I learn to use my job to make money that allows me time to love my family and neighbor more fully then doesn't that make sense? My motivation to make more money should be to give more away not buy more stuff right?

I don't know... There just seems to be a lot of backward ideas and ways we have always done it. If we have always done it and it doesn't work then why keep doing it?

Freedom!!!

I think that I may be getting addicted to the idea that you (the empty space that makes up the Internet) are listening and care to hear what I think.  

Or maybe the freedom to write whatever comes to mind and not have it lost in the back of an old note book makes this more appealing.  Although all of that was true when I first started trying to "blog" and was unsuccessful do to lack of interest.  So, what has compelled me to go on?  I think that it is a....healthy understanding that it is OK to be confused or ignorant or lost.  The idea that I don't have to have it all together is a fairly recent understanding that I have achieved.  I like it here because it is not my responsibility to know all or be "good" it is my job to let things happen and respond as my playbook shows me to.  I like leaving it up to the coach (that really dumbs down His role but you get the idea).  I am free.

Focus

I don't know what is compelling me to write here... I have never fully understood the idea of a "blog". So, what is this about?

I guess it is because I am weak and everyone else is "doing it". :)

I have recently attained some goals that were set years back and were anticipating a different feeling. I was expecting to feel as if I had "made it" or something and was disappointed to get "there" and realize that it was not really a place but a pit stop (not even) on the way. Why do we (as people) do that? Why do we think that some meaningless (perhaps that is a bit strong) milestones will have some great significance because we set them? I think that the only thing that this has taught me is that if I make sure that my eyes are set on something visible but far enough off in the distance to keep my head up that I will continue on but that if I allow my focus to be reached or attained as an end then I find myself arriving to find that I haven't arrived at all and felling as though I must fumble around until I refocus on that not so distant blip on the map that I can start trekking once again. Perhaps that is part of the idea with 1 Cor 9:24 when Paul states that lots run but only one wins (or gets the prize)... Perhaps the idea is to figure out how to find that blip to refocus on and then the next blip before you reach the first until we finish the race (whatever and whenever that may be). Or perhaps that is bologna and I am just rambling. Isn't that the idea of a blog though?

I think that we are our worst enemy's. I mean we compartmentalize areas of our lives and then focus on the good areas and ignore the bad to an extreme that causes neglect or we ignore the good and focus on the bad to the point were are defeated and desperate. I guess that is why it is called balance. If you have a car you can afford then you focus on the nicer car you wish you could have and if you have the nicer car you focus on the payment you cannot afford and envy (perhaps secretly:) the person with the more affordable car. If you have a job you love then you complain about the hours. If you have a job that affords you hours then you complain about how much you don't like it.... It seems that "the grass is always greener". I wonder why that is... Why don't we devote as much attention to focusing on fertilizing our grass and caring for our grass to the point that we don't even notice the grass on the other side of the fence. I will attempt that and if you figure out the secrets or tricks before I do then let me know. I am afraid that I already know the answer and it is the answer to most significant ?'s: It is a journey of continual effort. You can be successful but you can never loose sight of the goal. The effort must never end.

I can't believe that I am writing on a blog... I don't even like writing.

Ok maybe I am not really going to write but just post some random blah. :)

It is a start though right? Progress...

Give me time. I am coming out slowly.

Blah Blah Blah